Pyrrhic Victory
by primaryglitch
Summary: Present victories opens old wounds. Char and Amuro struggles with their past trauma and current responsibilities.
1. Chapter 1: Difficult Day

Char's rubbed his temples, looking down at the two of them. Fa sat in a chair next to Kamille's stretcher, her head laying against the way and her hand in his. They both looked year older than they were, the war having already aged them. No longer children, little soldiers. Char hoped it was just the infirmary lights making Kamille's sick such a sickly pale. Char is no medic, but kKmille's hand looked broken, at least fractured and his side looked nasty when they pulled him out of Zeta. At the time, Char had feared it could be fatal with how kamille was responding. It wasn't like him to just go limp, he had looked so lifeless.

Fa was the one to pull Kamille out of zeta, and hadn't left his side since. Even when getting her few minor wounds treated she insisted on being near Kamille. She was right to do so, the few moments when Kamille became lucid she was the one to calm him down. Her firm yet caring words immediately resonated with Kamille and he listened long enough to get him sedated. Fa was the one who truly protects, takes care of, Kamille. Her companion alone is more than Char can provide, no matter how hard he tries he can't fully understand Kamille. And today, on the battlefield, fa was the one who rescued zeta after is was disabled, who prevented zeta from being destroyed after that shot from the hyper cannon.

The shot that was meant for himself.

Char had saw the commanding hizack take aim for the bridge but his hayuka shiki just wasn't fast enough, and his beam rifle had long ran out of energy. As he rushed towards the hizack to counter it, the hizack fired right before he was able to destroy it with his beam saber. Kamille had rushed zeta in front of the bridge, and with no time to counter took a direct hit to protect the bridge. With the commander destroyed, the few remaining mobile suits retreated. A victory for the Argama.

Fa has been the one to pull zeta into the mobile suit bay, not Char. He didn't feel like he has the same right to be here as her. She, even sleeping, was watching over Kamille. They both were in better hands together than with himself. He couldn't stay here, Char felt like he was invading.

Char existed the infirmary and decided to go somewhere, anywhere but here. While watching over Kamille guilt ate at him. Looking down the hallways, it was empty. A tiredness hung in the air. The whole crew was exhausted, and still fearful. The titans had them on the run. Pasting the commons even shinta and qum where quiet. It was as if the Argama herself was exhausted from battle.

Char sighted, he needed a distraction. Something to take his mind off Kamille. Amuro would be perfect, he hadn't had a chance to be alone with his lover since they left the Audhumia together. Brief kisses and urgent touches have been all they've shared. Even just being near him would be a comfort, a familiar presence, a stable point in char's life from as far back to when they rivaled each other. Char, turned sharply and started heading to the mobile suit bay, already knowing where Amuro would be. Even with as late as it was, it was unlikely Amuro had left with the shape that their mobile suits were in.

The Argama's mobile suit bay had emptied out hours ago, only Amuro remained as Char looked around. Amuro was inside of zeta's open cockpit, likely fixing what was destroyed in the battle earlier. In the other bays adjacent to zeta were the mk II and methuss, looking worst for the wear but better than when they first came in. But mobile suits wasn't char's main concern as he used a scissor lift to get up to Zeta.

"Amuro, its late," char whines as he draped himself over Amuro. Amuro didn't even turn around, just grunted in response. While not uncommon of Amuro to do so, especially while enacted in mechanisms, Char could see the tenses in Amuro's shoulders. Something was bothering him.

Besides the two of then, the mobile suit bay was empty. The stall Amuro was in was only illuminated by the soft lightof zeta's eyes and the scatter floors lights Amuro had laid down on the scissor lift next to the cockpit. Char forced himself furthering into zeta's cockpit, wrapping his arms around Amuro's middle and rested his Amuro's shoulder to see what his boyfriend was doing. It was cramped with the two of them on the floor of the cockpit and multiple screens and wires scatter about. Zeta had taken a direct hit, completely ruining the chest plate and the cockpit. It's surprising any of the internal mechanic were still intact, even more surprising that Kamille made it out alive. Both of them were grateful for that, yet also worried for slightly different reasons.

"Amuro, its late," repeated Char, more seriously this time. He knew Amuro's habits of overworking himself to counter anxiety. The day had been long, stressful- it was time for bed. Their assisted shifts had long ended and they needed the rest.

"I know, but Zeta needs-"

"It can wait until tomorrow. You on the other hand, cannot."

"I'm fine," Amuro muttered, trying to pull away from Char. Char grasped him on the shoulder, not letting Amuro escape that easy.

"Amuro, you're exhausted."

"I'm not, I can finish now. Zeta's computers need re-calibrated and aligned at the very least. The mainframe took the bulk of the damage. We're still in enemy territory. Zeta's useless if-"

"Amuro," char snapped, "you need rest and you cannot do any good for zeta in this state it's useless to continue." Char flashed an annoyed look at Amuro, any playfulness he had was gone now. Amuro was acting foolish and childish, overworking himself like this. Astoniage and Kamille handled zeta's maintenance fine before Aumuro took it over. Even without Kamille, Astoniage was more than capable enough to handle Zeta.

Amuro continued to pull away from him but regretted his words as soon as he met Amuro unfamiliar eyes. His eyes were bloodshot with bags underneath, panic laced in them. A frantic energy in them which Char has not seen before. Amuro's eyes were the stony firmly Char was familiar with when Amuro dug his heels into the ground.

"Are you suggesting I'm not capable of my duties? I'll have you know i earn my keep on the Argama!" Amuro was nearly yelling, clearly panicking. Char had no idea why Amuro was freaking out so bad. Was it the stress of the battle? But Amuro stayed behind on the Argama it's not like he had to pilot a mobile suit-

Oh

Oh god

Char knew he had messed up.

He felt like an Kamille in infirmary, there was no one one the Argama who could pilot zeta. That is, besides Amuro, who now was standing, braced against the side of the cockpit. He looked like a cornered animal, and hell Char knew he felt like one too. He felt like a fool for not realizing early.

"Amuro no one is going to make you do anything okay." Char had tried to say so as calmly and comforting as he could be it did nothing to calm the frantic look in Amuro's eyes. It was lost cause to try to clam Amuro fon here, perhaps his room would be better."Let go back to my room, I think I have notes on Zeta Kamille gave me," Char lied, gently taking Amuro's hand.

"but I have work to do…." Amuro said, but he put up not protest being lead of the Zeta onto the lift. Char could fell Amuro's hands shaking badly and wonders how you even managed to handle the delicate electrics of zeta like that. Out of the cockpit, it was more visible how bad of a shape Amuro was in. It was as if the weight of piloting zeta was physically on his shoulders.

Char guided Amuro by the hand through the dark corridors of the Argama to his room. Amuro followed behind, pushing not further protests. Arriving at his door char turned the lights on dim and guided Amuro to his bed, not bothering to have Amuro change yet. Sheets could be cleaned, what mattered now was comforting his boyfriend. Amuro was fidgety, eyes constantly darting around the room and his hands picking at his callouses. Char gently separated his hands and lifting his up to brush Amuro's hair out of his face. Amuro refused to face him, turning away.

"Amuro look at me. Everything is okay."

"that's a lie," Amuro mumbled softly. "I can't leave the Argama unprotected. Your hyaku is in need of replacement joints, you can't protect us alone. The methus and mk II are in even worse shape. We cant send the memos out alone. That leaves only zeta…" his voice was shaking too badly for char to continue to understand the rest of what Amuro said, but he could guess.

"Emma could pilot zeta, it's not the same as mk II but-" Char was interrupting by Amuro abruptly standing up.

"you knows that's not true."

"Kamille may-"

"So it's fine to send children out in our places! Kamille should never have had to design Zeta, let alone pilot it! Children fighting our wars," Amuro brakes out with a sob, Char hoped it wouldn't have come to this. All Amuro's trauma bubbling up after being covered for seven long years.

"It's not your war either," char whispered while gently pushing Amuro back down on the bed. His eyes weren't as frantic, more so resigned, almost hopeless. Char cannot say the same for himself, he would never dare to, but this was never Amuro's fight, none of it was. All Char could think to was hold Amuro to his chest, knowing their was little he could do to comfort him. Realistically, Amuro was right. With the Argama weakened and on the run the titans were likely to attack again. Char didn't know what to hope for. An immediate attack would force Amuro into zeta, but if the titan held off for awhile that would then allow Kamille to pilot zeta. With his injuries there's no telling how that would turn out and with as stubborn as Kamille is, he would never have Amuro go out in his place. He felt trapped in the familiar cycle of knowing his love ones would get hurt. All he could do was hope that the night would be peaceful.


	2. Chapter 2: The Devil's Haunting

Amuro panted, desperately trying to draw in air. He was suffocating, he had to be. Each breath was burning his lungs, the air of the cockpit oppressive hot. His panting fogged the inside of his helmet, obscuring the data as it flashed across the screen. It didn't matter anyways, he could keep the streams of information, only catching pieces. Mainframe overheating. Circuit failure from C123 to C192. Joint failure in left leg ball joint. All of this was all so new, so confusing. He didn't know if he could do this. Amuro squeezed his eyes shut, forcing his shaking hands to clench against the it didn't matter, he had to fight.

He tried to take aim, but he couldn't stop thinking of the people inside the suits. A pilot, did they have a family? Were they scared?

Just like you are

"It doesn't matter if they are, I have to win"

Even if it means killing?

"I have to, I don't have a choice!"

Murder

"I'm not im not I'm not a killer." amuro felt his eyes water, tears staying to trial off. He wants to defend himself, but that voice is so familiar.

Imagines flashed in from of him, he was inside side 7. Panicking, he tried to find a weapon, if he didn't hurry he'll be killed. His vision goes white from a great flash; He might have saved himself, but the explosive from the zaku cause a hole in the colony. The air is escaping, the vacuum trying to pull even the gundam out. How many people got pulled out, suffocated. How many civilians, neighbors, didn't make it? Even with as crowded as white base is, it couldn' t hold everyone living in a colony

It's your fault

His mother stands in front of him, in shock. She looks at him full of hate and distrust. He searches her eyes for the warmth he still remembers so well, only to find cold horror. She doesnt know him she says, he's not her son, her amuro. Then who is he?

The white devil

He sees lalah and char, back in his masked helmet and her yellow are facing each other, both sporting wide smiles. Char leans down to kiss her, and Lalah wraps her arms around his neck. When their kiss brakes, they press their foreheads together. They look so domestic together, more than just content- actually happy. He's an invader, this moment isn't for him to see. Their life isn't for him to be in. How could he expect char to forgive him for taking her from him? He see char, no quattro now, but lalah's still here. Isn't it a betrayal to her, to love char? They were each other, neither of them his.

He can't think of his mind screaming that he doesn't belong here, he doesn't deserve to be happy. He just running away from his duty, he has not choice now. He left amuro ray back on side 7, he was just mascarding. He knows who he is, all of the zeon and the federation do. He's the white devil, and its time for him to return.

* * *

Amuro woke up with a choked off cry. His eyes flew wide open and for a second he didn't know where he was, let alone who he was. He tried to swallow his panic and gather himself, scraping his mind for what he knew must be true. His senses slowly started to come back. He was Amuro Ray, he knew he had to be on the Argama but the room was unfamiliar. He noticed slight weight across his chest, realizing a pair of arms were around him. He then felt the slow even breathing on his neck and a steady heartbeat behind him. A slight calm came over him, Char- always a familiar presence. It felt almost as if the rest of the earthsphere felt away, still Char would remain. Calmer now, Amuro sat up and looked down at Char. lucky, it looked like he hadn't woken his lover. at least one of them can get the rest they both need. He sighs, rubs his eyes and stands up, deciding to talk a walk. Nightmares always left him restless, and if he stayed his twisting and turning would wake char.

Exiting the room, Amuro found himself simply wandering around the Argama. He didn't know what to do, he didn't want to go back to his room alone and he couldn't bring himself to work on Zeta. By the looks of it he had only slept a few hours, the halls were empty. Alone with his thoughts, guilt and fear began to eat him away. Kamille was injured badly, there was no getting around that. He shouldn't have been in a mobile suit, he shouldn't be anywhere near the war. None of these kids should, thats what they were- kids. It sickened him knowing that both Kamille and Fa were old enough to enlist, that this wasn't simply circumstances like in his case.

Snapping out of thought, Amuro realized he had wandered towards the medic center. He wants to go in, check on kamille. Fa was likely there too with how protective she was of him. Amuro didn't know how he would even begin a conversation with her with the weight of Kamill's condition hanging in the air. He finds himself pacing in from of the argama's medic. His uneasy set heavy on his shoulders, completely unsure of what to do. Amuro fears Fa's pity and concern, not wanting to burden her with him. Knowing his anxiety at this point is beyond obvious and Fa would pick up on it, but buried underneath that is the fear of judgement. Would she think less of him for or worrying about himself instead of kamille, the one who was hurt? He wouldn't blame her if she did.

Amuro lets out a deep sigh, finally deciding to force himself to go in. Fa's a nice girl, and her attention wouldn't be focused on him anyways, they barely knew each other. Entering the medic, Amuro quickly spotted Fa, now awake pacing in from of Kamile. She has a stony look on her face, deep in thought. Her cries were red and slightly puffy, she had been crying. Amuro had no idea how to get her attention, just as he was about to greet her her head snapped towards him. She had that on top familiar panicked look as she took in a sharp breath.

"calm down Fa, fa- it's just me," amuro said as calmly as he could putting his hands up. It took her a few seconds to register what he said.

"sorry sir, I didn't realize-"

"it's just amuro," amuro blurted out before realizing it, cringing internal at how awkward he sounded and for rudely interrupting.

"o-oh yes sorry. Kamille's doing better, he's stable. Hasan said it's looking like an infection is setting in on his side"

Amuro felt his stomach drop, infection was bad news. "thank you for telling me. We're all worried" Silence followed and fa turned back to kamille ar the foot of the bed, leaning forward and resting her hands on the bed to support her weight. She looked so young honked over like that, with her head hanging loud reminiscent of himself. Not knowing what to do amuro joined her. Standing new to her, amuro noticed blood crusted on her arm near her gloves "fa, what's that?"

She turned back her head towards Amuro, confused before realizing he had saw the blood "oh it's nothing just a small cut. I must have just not noticed it's looking closer amuro could see that the blood was from a deep lookin wound, right above her wrist.

"Fa that's not nothing. You need treatment"

"its fine, its nothing," fa chirped, in a cheery voice clearly trying to cover her exhaustion.

"it will only take a second, please, fa I'm worried about you." Amuro didn't break eye contact with Fa until she looked away towards the ground, realizing she wouldn't be able to talk Amuro out of this.

"Okay…," she sighed out, resigning to Amuro's gaze, "But I don't want to leave kamille alone. He might wake up." Fa's eyes were glassy as she spoke, distant.

"that's fine, just sit down. I'll get a med kit" He pointed to the chairs in kamill's stall as he spoke, making sure to watch Fa and make sure actually sat before going off to rummage through the medicenter. It surprised Amuro that is was hard to find an intake medkit but then again they all had ust got back from battle. It wasn't like others didn't get wounded. God there could be so many causilites he hasn't yet found out about, too busy worrying about having to pilot the zeta to even think to check. Perhaps if he had just gone out in the zeta in the first place kamille and fa, and the possible countless others, wouldn't have been hurt. Amuro shook his head, forcing his mind back on track. Fa needed him right now.

Broken from his gaze, he returned to fa with the medical supplies me could scavenge. She had listened and say down. He kneels in front of her before gently taking her hand, "Tell me if I hurt you". She simply knodded in response. Pulling off her gloves, he wiped up the blood on her hand and wrist with a spray towel. Inspecting closer, her skin was only broken in a few spots but her wrist was definitely sprained. Luckily it looked as if it wasn't broken, but it was worrying to Amuro that she had not helped herself early. "Why didn't you get help sooner? Fa if this when untreated you could have made it worst"

She looked away, she couldn't met amuro's eyes. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine, your wrist is-"

"I'm fine!" Fa nearly sharply snapped interrupting Amuro. It was such a change from how professional she was trying to be with her at first.

"Fa what's really wrong? We both know you're not fine"

"...It can't be broken I'm useless if it is" she whispered, If Amuro hadn't been so close and listening so intently he would what missed it.

"What? Why?" Amuro felt panic stray to rise, knowing what her answer would be.

"I cant pilot like this, and if I can't then-"

"NO!" Amuro snapped, bolting up and grabbing her shoulders. The moment startled fa, but the fact that Amuro was crying was even more sudden. "Were more than that! We aren't just pilots. I- I mean you aren't just a pilot you're a person we are more than this!"

"O-Okay" fa studded out

Amuro realized what he was doing and recoiled back "S-Sorry, I just, youre so much like me"

Fa looked stunned, "W-What? You're nothing like me! I'm, well, I'm just really a grunt aren't I? You and Kamille are amazing pilots!"

Amuro breathed out, settling down into a more comfortable position- criss cross on the floor in front of fa. "I wasn't like Kamille. I'm still not"

"what do you mean, you're one of the best!" Fa toned conveyed her confusion, it was relaxing to see her settling back in after how she had tensed up before.

"I beg to different"different amuro chuckled. "but either way, I only ended up the gundam pilot by mistake. Its wasnt my own skills, but the gundam that saved me. And even then it was just barely. If it wasn't for the superior technology I would have been killed. Now you, fa, you have been using an old prototype. Its has been your own skill and will that has saved your life-and kamille's- many times. That's something to be proud of."

"I-I don't know what to say"

Amuro smiled, you don't have to say anything, just promise you'll actually think about what I've said"

"of course"

Amuro held out his hand in the fist, pinkie out. "okay come on promise"

Fa didn't the same and they linked pinkies, promise sealed. Fa let out a giggle, "this is so silly"

"yes, but we need silly, don't we?"

Fa breathed out smiling, "well at least I did. Thank you, Amuro"

"No Fa thanking you. I'm really glad we talked. You're not useless Fa. We are more than the sum of our parts" Amuro said this while gently holding fas injuries hand in his.

Fa cleared her throat nervously and spoke "could we maybe- I mean only if you want- talk again? It's nice talking to you I just feel like you understand. I love talking to kamille but its…..different"

"of course fa, I'd love to get to know you better. I'm usually down in the mobile suit bay working on who knows what"

"would you teach me?" fa said suddenly. "I-I just don't want to be a burden, I want to do as much as I can"

"fa you're not a burden, but I'd love to teach you what I know about mechanics. It's actually easy to have someone around, makes you think about about what your doing"

"thank you amuro!" fa practically beamed before letting out a yawn. "mhm, it seems like you were right. I should get some rest. I know that being exhausted won't do any good for anyone but, kamille-"

"I can watch him. I know you don't want to leave him alone"

Fa let out a sigh of relief "thank you, I didn't want to ask."

Amuro smiled, expression softening. Fa really was trying her best, always worried about getting in the way- she needed to give herself a break every once in a while. "don't be sorry you can always ask me anything. Now fa, get some rest. You need it" she nodded and they both stood up, amuro walked over to the chair near kamille's bed and sat as fa left. He hoped she would make it to her room okay but he feared it would be overbearing if he walked he back.

He looked at kamille and sighed. Tonight would be a long night, but it wasn't all bad.


End file.
